sadness is sooooooo weird :( its like difficult to understand and when your someone so emotionaly stimulated as me its kind of even more difficult , i fell sad in the most random things , the things that no one can see make me feel horrible . sitting in a rickshaw a normal person would look out for traffic where as i look at the poor rickshaw puller , i feel sad that he has to do this and i feel guilty that i am sooooooooo pampered that i think its totally normal for another human being to pull my weight and i can pay for it .It makes me feel so horrible that i am so difficult and as i look at him he uses his old cloth to clean his face of all the sweat and dust i feel even more horrible :( . the weather is sooooooo hot and he has to do this , when i get of the rickshaw i make sure i give him an extra Rs 5 but then i think to myself that is that all ? for Rs 30 this poor guy has pulled his rickshaw for 5 Km and i ask myself that what did i ever do to have such a nice life ? all i did was to be born in a family wid a lot of government officials , to be prity honest my dad didn't have an easy start because we are not the people with the family money and all that , my dad came to Delhi with no money barely 13 he wore a neckar and banyan , my dads eldest brother was working with the government and the other two brothers were working too , not with the government but with the seths of delhi where they had to sweap and do other menial works . my dad studied and became a pharmacists and then he was married to my mom ,then gave exams and became a government official and knowing all of this my whole childhood went with me asking myself really random questions like what he must have felt when he came here and other things .
i think i am so overly emotional because of our trips back to our village in kumoun for holidays and i saw how little kids would get happy when they got a bit of jaggery and how they used to be happy with our old clothes and the sweets that we used to give them . i was so surprised at their way of life which was without electricity and toilets !! and that made me feel guilty about having so much and from there started a wholeeeeee new life of questioning what i want and need.
sitting at my own hill :P i thought about things , things which were not suppose to be in the mind of a 10 year old , sadness for the poor , questions about the rich and confusion about my own place. All those thoughts still are there in my mind and make me this over emotional person who is always asking questions about the most random things :\ but to be prity honest i kind of think that its a good thing because at least i see the pain of others and not just mine , i see the sadness in a 12 yr old widow's eyes and the happyness on a rickshaw puller face when give him an extra Rs 5 which to me is nothing but to him is a lot and i feel happy because even if i feel sad in small things i get happy with that one smile :).
thanks mom and dad :)